


One Day.

by weallfalldowneventually



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Crankiplier - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: ?? - Freeform, I hope you like it, Internalized Biphobia, It's Not That Bad I Promise, M/M, Panic Attacks, Unrequited Love, but not really??, dude idk, i feel like we need a little more angst anyways, not beta read we die like men, this literally is just a vent piece really, uhhhhhh, vvvv short, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:13:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22523047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weallfalldowneventually/pseuds/weallfalldowneventually
Summary: God. Ethan is going to be the absolute death of him. He's never been more in love with someone. It's horrible and tiring to say the least.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 7
Kudos: 146





	One Day.

**Author's Note:**

> please read the end of notes!! also i hope you enjoy this!!
> 
> it's really short and poorly written but i wanted to write something for them. 
> 
> i haven't written for a w h i l e oh god, i hope it doesn't show too much
> 
> comments are always appreciated!! 
> 
> much love!!

His chest burns, lungs fluttering desperately against his ribcage. His heart pounds, running rampant alongside his terrified lungs. His throat constricts almost painfully, jaw aching with the tension forced upon it. His temples are throbbing as he forces himself to remain still. He sits, completely unmoving, breath forced to stay hidden in the cavity of his chest. He knows he needs to breathe, body growing anxious with the lack of oxygen circulating in his bloodstream. 

He waits just a little longer.

Finally, with a shuddering gasp, his pained lungs take in a greatfull gulp of air. He pants, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. His whole body is tense, muscles unforgiving in their tightness. He wishes he could relax, wishes he could just sit back and record just one video. Creativity is piling behind his eyes, desperate to work it's almost nervous energy out of him, but there's something holding him back. A blockade of sorts, _something_ , keeping him from being able to fully express the ideas he's longing to record. Even playing just a simple video game, something he can maybe half ass seems daunting. 

He's terrified his viewers will see past his wavering wall of confidence. It comes so natural, so easy to him most days. His charismatic nature almost something of a defense mechanism. It hasn't faltered this badly in a few years now, probably not since his high school years he thinks, something of an afterthought. 

His eyes wander over to the digital clock hanging mockingly over his recording set up, the numbers reading _11:43 am_. He's running out of time.

_**Fuck.** _

Ethan's coming over at 12, always eager to record the next few videos lined up for Unus Annus. They're getting a much later start this Tuesday then they normally would, Mark had asked Ethan for some own personal time to record, he still has at least a few days worth of videos recorded that are all ready to be uploaded, but there's always a nervous itch under his skin, a fear of falling behind. It's a pity he wasn't able to record today, another wave of shame washing over him.

He's absolutely drowning in it today.

_11:50 am  
_

He feels his eyes beginning to water, tears wallowing sadly in his brown eyes. The only eyes he can think of are hazel blue. A warmth fills his chest, a hammering sensation following closely. 

God. Ethan is going to be the absolute death of him. He's never been more in love with someone. It's horrible and tiring to say the least.

Straight as a ruler Mark, that's him alright.

He nearly crumbles at the thought. Chest heaving, a mix of panic and shame washing over his body leaving him in a cold sweat, his breathing sky rocketing. Panic, that's all he can do he thinks helplessly. He's known for years now. What he is, how he feels, but he pushes it down, self hatred always out winning the self acceptance he so desperately tries for. Fights for really.

**Bisexual.**

It's not a dirty word, it never has been. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual, he knows this. He openly supports his LGBT fans, the community, and always wants them to know that it's alright to love who you love.

 **So** **why the fuck** **won't he let himself.**

_He can't even say it out loud._

But, he laughs almost bitterly to the crippling atmosphere surrounding him, that's only half the problem. He rests his sweaty forehead against his clammy palms. 

His love would never be returned, and he's almost accepted that. He's almost gotten to the point where he's alright with that, he doesn't need his romantic affections to be returned. As cheesy as it sounds, he just needs Ethan. His friendship is more than enough. It could sustain him for a life time. Sure, he's always left craving more, but that's just how life is some times. If Ethan were to remain by his side for the rest of his life, be it just through friendship, he would surely survive. 

But there's almost something more heartbreaking then never having the man he's in love with; and that's _having_ him. 

He would never want to put him through this internalized bullshit he's going through. Being too ashamed to show him off, show him the love he so deserves is something that ways heavily on Mark's mind. Ethan deserves the world. He deserves someone who isn't scared to be with him. Someone who would be proud to be able to hold him close and show him off. 

God, how he wishes he could be that for Ethan.

What really pisses him off most nights is knowing with every fiber in his being that his family and friends would accept him with open arms, and that his fans wouldn't even bat an eyelash at his coming out. 

But yet he still can't.

 _ **Coward**_.

He can't fathom the idea of anyone knowing. His blood turns to ice, fear chilling him to his very core. He combs shaking fingers through his hair, trying to distract himself from the anxious buzzing bubbling up his throat. There's bile burning the back of his tongue, bitterness making a home within his taste buds.

Weary eyes glance back up at the clock, 12 o'clock reads boldly across the digital screen. It brings a strange sense of mind numbing panic mixed with a little punch of calm relief, thrown in. It leaves him feeling confused and exhausted all the same. 

His phone chimes, a quick succession of texts making his lips turn up just the slightest. 

**_Ethan: 12:01 pm_ **  
_i'm outside!!!! finish up recording though don't worry I'll let myself in._

**_Ethan: 12:01 pm_ **  
_i'm playing with chica, i've got it made, don't bother coming down_

**_Ethan: 12:02 pm_ **  
_shit, hopefully i'm not ruining your recording ahhhh_

He takes a deep breath, feeling just a tad lighter as he stands. 

He's never been one to turn down a challenge. One day he'll be able to openly acknowledge who he is, and maybe, just maybe he'll shoot his shot with Ethan. 

He let's out a bright, startling laugh, at that. 

Shoot his shot. 

He's gonna shoot Ethan with a paintball gun today. 

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER:  
> I absolutely adore Mika and Amy, just straight off the bat. I would lowkey, but highkey die for them.
> 
> Secondly, I do not claim Mark is bisexual or is internalized or anything of that sort. I'm more so projecting onto him my own struggles with internalized biphobia.
> 
> Thirdly!! I do not actually think Ethan and Mark are a thing, or will ever be a thing. I ship them purely for the fun of it and I do not take it seriously or anything of the sort! (I adore the ship, but don't think it's real. Thank you for coming to my tedtalk)
> 
> (also i do not want this to be shown to them, i would hate to make them uncomfortable and if they ever saw it and wanted it removed I would remove it!)


End file.
